Doubt

    
    Once again I thank goodness that people aren't actually reading this because it becomes the one place I can actually share some of my thoughts. 

    It's been nearly a year since I made this leap and never more than right now do I think I made the wrong decision. The isolation I can deal with and have been dealing with for quite some time but the constant refusal to accept my view point is finally getting to me. I'm again fairly used to my thoughts, feelings, etc being pushed aside and dismissed. I mean hey I have multiple siblings. Growing up has taught me that's par for the course but today feels different and I'm not entirely sure why? Maybe it was the subject of what I was trying to discuss. Oddly enough it was the fact that Black Women in particular have been told essentially we no longer need you if you voice your own needs, concerns, etc. 

We always say that the internet is not a real place and in many ways it is not but also in some ways it is very much a perfect reflection of the world. 

It's soo funny I am sitting here writing and making excuses on why I shouldn't be allowed to feel this way. Maybe it's just their upbringing, I'm being irrational, I should see it from their perspective. You know everything but accepting that I have a right to feel the way I do. It's pure and utterbullshit. Can I even use that word on here? When you have to convince people of your value it gets tiring. It gets draining, like I don't even want to keep trying this. I'm ready to say screw it and just pack up and go back. I'm soo conditioned to allows others to come first. To put myself in the position to see their view as more important, to not cause waves, to just swallow what I want and thinking this wouldn't be the same sucks. I had an experience where I've said I noticed more and looks that are bordering on hostile and the reply was oh you're imagining things. They get similar looks as well because people aren't used to seeing them in the area. 

It's not the same. I want to scream stop trying to invalidate what I am sharing. Stop saying oh well it happens to everyone.  To grow you are expected to feel some kind of pain so they say but if there is no place for yourself what's the point. If those around you still don't or absolutely refuse to acknowledge you what's the point?

Seriously what is the point? Like I said this is the first time I am truly 100% in doubt that this was a good choice to make. I've had doubts in the past and that seems only natural but this time. I'm absolutely ready to quit and say f-it. I gave it a fair shot.